I’m learning what it’s like to suffer the death of a father. Although I do not seem to function well, both physically and mentally, the days have brought peace despite the obscurity of his seemingly untimely death.
The bewildering fact that my father took his own life will prove to be an Abrahamic test in my lifetime.
Everyone who achieves exaltation must successfully pass through an Abrahamic test.
Joseph Smith, in speaking to the Twelve Apostles in Nauvoo, said: “You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God…God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God. That is not a particularly comforting thought, but it is one that cannot be ignored if the scriptures are taken seriously.”
I do not wish to dwell on the physical and mental state of my father at the time of his decision to end his life. A serious change came over him - most noticeable to me in the last 6 weeks of his life. Our family continues to yearn for answers ourselves, yet the tough truth remains that we will never fully understand the details surrounding his perceived impossible burdens.
I wish to acknowledge the belief that his choice was not premeditated for an extended period of time, and our family has felt a strong impression that his passing resulted in as much shock to him as we have all experienced.
Considering the amount of time I have pondered, prayed, and sought answers, I have found comfort and peace in several truths.
1. My father was a kind and gentle man who would never intentionally hurt anyone. Although he was not perfect, he never once betrayed his trust in his divine roles of son, husband, and father - nor did he ever violate sacred covenants. He was recently honorably released as a devoted bishop of 5 years, and through this sacred calling, he proved to be a compassionate judge in Israel, extending forgiveness and mercy as much as possible. There are many who live by the motto that the end justifies the means, however, “…every tree is known by his own fruit.” (Luke 6:43-44)
2. There is a difference between a sin and a mistake. Gospel doctrine clearly teaches us that suicide is a sin, and I accept this, yet I find comfort in the words of the late Elder Bruce R. McConkie who taught that “…persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts.” My absolute faith in the reality of a just God brings peace knowing that only the Lord himself can administer fair judgement with a full understanding of circumstance and real intent.
Although the acts of sin and mistake may often result in similar consequences, the scriptures suggest different treatments. We also know that on some occasions, the Lord has brought about His purposes by means of transgression. “The Fall was a glorious necessity to open the doorway toward eternal life.” - Elder Russell M. Nelsen
3. In regards to the future I face, the deep emotions I feel will continue to be swallowed up by the undeniable legacy of selfless service my father exemplified through daily Christ-like discipleship. If he was to be saved from this act, I believe that we did everything in our power without stripping him of his agency. A Savior died to ensure we would have that agency, and we must not carry the burden of continuously questioning our best efforts to help my father during his most tumultuous times. The moments I shared with my father in the days leading up to his passing have been a source of strength as I was able to witness firsthand my family’s, especially my mother’s, best efforts to patiently tend to any irrational thoughts and behaviors we were perceiving.
There is a time to grieve, and for me, that time is now. The forgiveness we receive after this life will be very much weighted on our ability to forgive others. I forgive my father and hope he will forgive himself. Although this process is painful, I know that mortal testing is purposeful, and I choose to accept this burden as an opportunity for substantial growth.
